When harm arises at the CENTER of the Dharma, what is “care”?

You may have heard this joke about inside-out change:

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. But the lightbulb has to want to change.

Human beings can change, but only if we want to, and only if we work at it.”

Religious or spiritual abuse results in an identity crisis. Victim, survivor, muse, consort – who am I?…Who am I if not his devotee or her acolyte? Who am I if not a special member of a special group? Who am I if I have been abused by the very person with whom I needed to feel safe? Am I a victim? Am I a fool?…Most of all, who am I in relation to my god or the gods of my own divine nature?”

I use the term survivor to describe what some might call a victim. ..For me, those who have been in psychologically abusive relationships are not merely victims. They are people who have learned to overcome an insidious form of abuse. They have come out on the other side of healing…”

NO SUCH THING AS THE INNOCENT BYSTANDER

Silence rides shotgun

wherever hate goes

How can a teacher with authentic awakening cause so much harm?

My working hypothesis is this: realization and healing are not the same thing. Meditation cultivates awareness and insight, but it doesn’t always address three distinct and often overlapping domains of wounding: trauma, attachment injury, and narcissistic wounding.”

When narcissistic wounding goes unrecognized in teachers, genuine realization can coexist with relational harm. The narcissistic structure doesn’t require spiritual justification when it has institutional power. It requires a hierarchy that prioritizes the teacher’s authority, and a community trained to be compliant—to defer, not question, not investigate.”

Patriarchy kills off stories and women to maintain its power…Silence over these things is its default setting, the silence feminism has been striving to break, and is breaking.”

When speaking of women and power, we need to talk about both innervism and activism. Innervism, because women hold personal and collective pain in their bodies and souls that needs healing from the inside out…Innervism is love of oneself. It is the realization that healing the self and healing the world go hand in hand.”

Solidity and steadfastness are key to resistance, and to clarity about who you are and what you believe…the catalytic power of myriad people standing on principle and living by facts matters, too. It means holding yourself and those around you to high standards not only of truth but of accuracy.”

After all, culture is contagious: We pass it on to each other like a virus…[and] for millennia, culture was religion. Its programming revolved around redeeming ourselves from our base human appetites and desires and proving ourselves worthy.”

One of the common themes of a toxic group is the fact that they do not want to get to know the real survivor. They want to construct a false image of the person so it justifies the abusive behaviors by the perpetrators. It is the classic setup of creating a scapegoat, and the survivor takes the brunt of the collective dysfunction of the group.”

Many people wonder how psychological abuse and emotional abuse differ…I believe that people can be emotionally abusive but still have empathy for others. Example? Loved ones who are struggling with additction will harm others while living out their craving…[P]sychological abusers damage others – not out of impaired judgement – but because they enjoy the control they gain from abusing people.”

I strongly believe that until victims know deep in their souls that it is a choice to be an abuser, they will continue to entertain pity for toxic people. That mental trap has no place in recovery.”

Because here’s a thing you might have forgotten about women being menaced or assaulted or beaten or raped: we think we might be murdered before it’s over. I have. There’s often a second layer of threat ‘if you tell.’ From your assailant or from the people who don’t want to hear about what he did and what you need.”

It seems evident that we need a spiritual justice movement, much like the social justice movements against racism, sexism, ageism and homophobia that call for social, legal and psychological change. However, as of this writing, onlly thirteen states and the District of Columbia have penal statutes that, in at least some circumstances, support the criminal prosecution of clergypersons for having sexual relations with a coerced congregant.”

Diana Nyad, the world-famous endurance swimmer…talks about the harm she suffered, the way that it changed who she was, diminished her well-bing. She says,  ‘…For me, being silenced was a punishment equal to the molestation.’…We treat the physical assault and the silencing after as two separate things, but they are the same.”

The full power of the hidden psychological pact that forces women to collaborate in their own exploitation asserts itself when a woman is right there in the room with a man who may be abusing his power over her.”

As an American Buddhist, I found [all] the scandals heartbreaking and puzzling. I thought of Buddhism not as a cult but as a 2,500-year-old religion devoted to ending suffering, not causing it…But having watched and participated in Buddhist communities for more than a decade, I know that these misfortunes are more than a tragic dance between exploitation and naivete…And all community members, however unconsciously, play a part in them.”

One of the biggest obstructions to justice in the yoga abuse crisis is the false belief that reform can come within an abusive organization. Anyone who remains faithful to the internal logic and emotional affect of the group, who wants it to be perpetuated, will be allergic to the very questions that disturb logic and affect.”

Who said that being strong and silent is better than being vulnerable and communicative? … It’s the theme song of patriarchy: ‘Strength is the backbone of power; silence keeps ’em guessing and reinforces the mystique. Strength and silence sets you apart from the whiners and oversharers.’ “

If we can unburden ourselves from an external authority and its prosaic concept of a goodness that enforces suppression and obedience, we can find the goodness of our god-self inside…it requires only faith in our inner knowing.”

These scandals have been pervasive as well as persistent, affecting almost all major American Zen Centers. It should be emphasized that the source of the problem lies not in sexual activity per se, but in the teachers’ abuse of authority and the deceptive (and exploitative) nature of these affairs. These affairs were carried on in secret and even publicly denied. The students involved were often lied to by the teachers about the nature of the liaison.”

In every tale of spiritual abuse in this book, staff members, community members, and even other clergy, including popes and the Dalai Lama, knew about the violations – and failed to act for decades to save face. They colluded with spiritual rationales, propped up their teachers, disbelieved or dismissed the accusers, or remained in group-think denial…In my opinion, their silence made them complicit.”

Storytellers are the meaning makers in a society, and therefore they have a weighty influence and the ability to move humanity forward.”